Happy, for now.

I can finally say that I had a pretty magnificent week. 

Well. Magnificent might be a bit of an exaggeration. But for the first time in about 16 weeks I feel calm, collected, clear headed, and pretty confident. I made it through my third semester at Antonelli, managing to turn in every single assignment on time. I impressed myself, which is new to me. 

Getting an A on Vlad's mini portfolio left me feeling high all weekend. I thought that was nearly impossible. He is by far the hardest grader at our school, and the pickiest. Today in Randy's class, I found out that my Portraiture Portfolio got the highest grade in my group. Our class and another graded everyones portfolio and voted for their favorites. There is one girl that got her schedule all fucked up in the beginning of school, so her portfolio was added to our group. She got a 33. I got a 32.9. That drove me absolutley insane, because she got 50 DVR discs, to back up her pictures, which I really need right now, seeing as my hard drive just got filled up. And she's not even in our group. Bitch. Hah. Oh well. At least I can bask in the glory of knowing I still got the best in 3F. I'll never let any of that go to my head though, it was just a boost of confidence that I really needed. I was starting to doubt myself big time. 

I really want to go to the studio before the week is over and bring a couple of my friends, to do a corny christmas shoot. I'm aiming to bring Mike, Stevin, Ryan, Trisha, Garen and Jenny. But the chances of getting them all together at once during the DAY is slim to none. Let alone fitting them all in a car. Hopefully I'll figure that out. I'm also pretty sure a few of my friends are irritated with me. Because I'm irritated with them. Not really consistently irritated, but certain things have been annoying the shit out of me, and I can't keep my mouth shut anymore, I guess. 

Only 9 more days until Christmas. I really need to start christmas shopping. I have a couple of ideas on what I'm going to get 3 or 4 people, but I'm completely stumped on what to get everyone else. If I didn't do it already for free, I would have just made my friends 11x17 prints of a picture I took of them, seeing how vein they are. Kidding. Drugs and alcohol would probably be on the top of a lot of their lists. 

I'm tired. I can't take a nap because I know I'll never wake up. I'm hoping Garen gets here soon so we can start making dinner. My stomach is eating itself.

A fire has been reported in the building.

Truth.

It is so, incredibly, unbearably cold outside.

This weekend was crazy. I had planned to use my 2 days off to prepare for the weeks to come. I instead just fucked around and slept the days away, accomplishing nothing. I had fun, though, to look at it in a positive light. 

Tomorrow I have to present my portraiture portfolio to my class and teacher. I'm supposed to wear something professional looking, but I really don't have anything to fit that description. I hate speaking in public. I feel like I'm going to need to re-new my prescription of klonopins for all the presentations I'm going to have to make next semester, including a public speaking class. Not to mention the job fair, and my final portfolio speech. 

I got my christmas tree last night. From Wal-Mart. It's pretty cheap and crappy looking, but it's better than nothing. The christmas lights make me happy, put me in a good mood. It's only December 7th, and I'm already dreading the end of the season. I love Christmas time, but I absolutely cannot stand the months of January and February. So incredibly miserable. I hope I don't fall back into the black hole of winter. I don't know how people can maintain their motivation and drive when it's that depressing out. 

The most annoying fire alarm in the history of the world went off in my apartment building again. It's so loud and goes on forever and ever, freaking everyone out so they all run down 20 flights of stairs, carrying their dogs and cats, just to stand outside for 15 minutes for absolutely no reason. They're always false alarms. I stopped caring, stopped responding to what they say I should do. If there ever is an actual fire in this building, I will definitely burn down with it. 

I'm still feeling worried about a lot of my friends. It's stressful, more stress than I can physically, mentally and emotionally handle right now. I need to go to school feeling positive and clear headed, which is why I'm not doing all that I should/could be doing to help out the situation. Maybe it really isn't any of my business, but I can't help the way I feel. Hopefully they will come to a realization on their own, and it will all blow over. I just feel like I'm trying to grow up and mature a little bit, and it's harder than it should be. Maybe I'm just over thinking everything. 

I'm feeling stung out, stressed out, tired, all with a lack of self confidence. People have been complimenting me lately, on my work and my attitude, and it just makes me blush and feel uncomfortable. I wish I felt the same way they did, maybe then my motivation would kick up another notch. I just don't think I'm doing the very best that I can. Laziness, probably. The fact that the sun goes down so early freaks me out. Makes me anxious and rush things, rather than taking my time and putting all my effort and skill into things the way I should. 

I need to go pick out an outfit for tomorrow. This should be interesting. 

This is not kiddie porn.

I swear.

My creative juices have not been flowing properly lately. What do you call 'writers block' for photographers? Photo block? I don't know if it's because I'm stressed out beyond belief, knowing I only have less than 2 weeks to finish all of my final projects and portfolios, or if I'm just genuinely lacking originality, which never really seems to happen to me. I hate doings things just to do them. I want to do them and make them amazing. 

This was for an assignment called "Skin." Me, Ryan, Stevin and Mike were up until 6 in the AM, for no particular reason, seeing as we were all stone cold sober. Half delirious, we stumbled around my apartment complex, found a stack of phone books, and ripped them apart. I'm not really sure what gave me this idea. The final result totally and completely looks like child porn. I guess it's the superman undies. But Mike is 20.

I have so much shit to do, I just don't know where to start or how to begin. Simple stuff: laundry, christmas shopping, organizing my apartment. And buying more photo paper and portfolios, putting them together. Assignments in which I have absolutely no idea what I will shoot. Finding an assistant job for winter break, which I need need need to do, not only for money, but for my resume. My resume right now is so pathetic I can hardly even look at it. 

I have such conflicting emotions right now, it's driving me up the wall. I absolutely hate being alone for too long, but at the same time, there is a very good reason why I don't have a roommate. I'm not sure how I could go about having company, and having my privacy at the same time. Maybe it's because my apartment is so tiny, I have nowhere to hide. I don't know. Maybe it just has to do with respect. Blah blah blah.

I have to go buy draino. My sink and shower are both clogged, due to all the showers and shaves happening here. I'm going to keep putting off doing my laundry until I have nothing left to wear. Which will be tomorrow, actually. Gah.