robots

VENT:

it's weird, trying to be friends with someone who is completely and utterly obsessed with your ex-boyfriend.

i've always had the mindset "keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer". but i was simply trying to give her a chance. see what maybe my ex might one day see in her, try to LIKE her.

that didn't work.

i hate trying to like someone, only to find out they have absolutely no personality, are robots, ass kissing, lifeless, lying robots.

what a shame. it's easy to quickly judge someone in a negative way, but then be proved wrong, and end up loving that person. honestly, that's how a lot of my best friendships have started. 

but trying really hard to to see the good in someone, only to find out they just suck all around, is a lot stranger. 

flashing your money around to everyone you meet, talking about it endlessly, is such a turn off. good for you, you have money. that's nice. let's talk about something else now. and trying to get people to like you because you have money? now that's just sad.

i've tried to sit down and have conversations with her, but the 2, and only 2 things she ever talks about is "how much money she has, how big her house is, how many vacation houses she's going to buy eventually, the pink corvette she is going to drive soon, all the businesses her family owns, etc" and... my ex-boyfriend. sick.

not to mention the lying. telling one off the wall story, and then later tell a completely different story. did your hair get caught on fire and you had to cut off 16 inches, or did you just cut it 5 inches because you were bored and regretted it? did your grandfather have a heart-attack, or did some old man you're not even related to or have even mets heart monitor turn off? the lies never personally affected me, but they did make her soul stink to high heaven. pee-yew.

quite honestly it shed some light on my ex, too.

he either is completely selfish, and is hanging around with her just to reap the benefits of her "never ending wealth", or he really is the womanizer i always knew he was and is just having his fun drawing her, playing with her, fucking with her head, and then eventually throwing her out to build his ego, or he is just so dumb he thinks she's a interesting and cool person. none of those are good.

i'm so glad i'm not a lifeless robot.

END VENT.

alone

i finally realized, i'm pretty much the only person on this earth that will ever fully understand me.

so maybe i should stop hating myself so much.

spent friday night alone, figured out some things.

been alone so far, since.

i don't hate it as much as i try to convince myself i do, or should. 

my filthy habits are the only things that are getting to me, that and the fact that i don't see myself the way others do, which is what is leading me down my path of self destruction. hopefully i'll get over that soon. it's about time.

other than that, i can finally stand being alone by myself. which is a weird, weird feeling.

it's been raining, for so long. my sunflowers are like a new pet to me. and they need the sun. one of them is on their way out. it makes me sad. i just want to save it. 

i'm really frustrated lately.

too annoyed to even write.

note to self

things that i need:

1. a really small microwave

2. a tea kettle, and some early gray tea

3. at least 3 new summer dresses

4. at least 5 pairs of translucent but somehow invincible tights

5. a never ending supply of ridiculously large sunglasses

6. some miracle medicine that will make this painful head cold go away

7. one of those vicks things to put in my shower to open up my airways

8. to make it through this week without crying at the thought of leaving school

9. to quit smoking. or at least quit smoking newports

10. to get out more with my camera and never let it collect dust, ever, ever ever

11. to have more confidence with my photography so i can actually get a job

12. to get a job, period. 

to be continued.

oh what a week,

what a week it has been.

job fair. i made it. i did it. i was freaking out for no reason.

i was calm and collected and not a single nerve in my body was activated.

i felt at ease. in my place.

unfortunately, though, 95% of the employers were traditional portraiture photographers or wedding photographers.

my work is different. my portraits are odd. most of my photographs have a dark mood, and i don't even intend on doing that most of the time. my teacher said it really shows who i am. (i'm hoping that doesn't mean i need to be on zoloft or anything.) he said i have such a creative eye, but not everyone will appreciate it.

though, they gave me good feed back. good advice. 

the wedding photographer that i was set up to talk to said he "didn't really understand my photography" and that it would be really hard to get a job with the things that i shoot, but whatever it is i shoot, i'm good at it. but he didn't really know what it was. he also ask me to pick out my least favorite picture in my portfolio. i pointed it out. he said that was his favorite. then he ask me to show him my favorite picture in my portfolio. i pointed it out. he said it was his least favorite. i guess it's all a matter of opinion.

i have so much to learn, so much growing to do, and i'm really excited about it. i improve with everything i do, every time i do it again. i guess practice really does make perfect. 

i moved into my new apartment, and i am in love.

i feel at home. this is where i belonged the whole time.

although, if i had moved here when i was 19, i'm sure it would look the way my old apartment did, too.

i am going to take care of it like it's my baby.

i can't get over how much i love living here, despite the fact that my ex boyfriends ex girlfriend used to live here, who i really just don't like. oh well.

my cat is still trying to figure it out. i hope she gets used to it soon. 

i still have to go back to the drake, empty out a whole bunch of shit, and paint the remaining walls white.

it's going to be such a gorgeous weekend that the thought of doing that now makes me want to cry.

i'm going to try to round up all the people i can to help.

only 3 weeks left of school.

that makes my heart drop into my stomach.

i really, really love that place.

i can't helieve it's over.

it has been the best chapter of my life so far.

not counting all the b.s. drama that happened outside of school.

but in school, i was so happy. i figured out who i was.

and i'm so thankful for that.

twenty two

4 day weekend.

Please, self. Take advantage of this time. 

My to-do lists are getting out of control.

All the strobe kits were signed out.

I'll have to compensate. Be creative.

I'm so excited for Emma's show tonight. 

My website is almost published.

I feel kind of real now.

Now all I need are my business cards.

I might have a pretty sweet internship, too.

Summer, hurry up and get here.

But at the same time, not too fast, please. 

I had a good weekend. I had the most fun i've had in a while, and it's refreshing to say that. 

I walked around the city today with Stevin. It was a beautiful day. 

We ran into quite a few people that I haven't seen in a while.

I really hate running into people I know, I'm too awkward for that.

But still, it's a sign that the dreadful months are finally coming to an end. 

It's been about 2 weeks since I've eaten any meat. 

My body feels so much better. 

Time really flies. I can't believe my days at Antonelli are coming to an end.

I'll miss that place. 

get out

i can not wait to move. 

i can NOT wait to move.

this apartment is toxic. it's poison. i literally feel like my skin is crawling just sitting in here.

no, really. my skin is actually crawling. 

things are winding down. i'm ready to start fresh. start over. clean slate. 

i've been ready.

i just need to get out of here to make it official. 

nothing feels better than crossing things off your to do list. 

20 days until job fair. lets see how fast time flies. 

?

what the hell is going on, anymore?

what i would do for someone to spill my guts to. 

crap.

God, I'm stressed out. What else is new.

My portfolio sucks. I'm not doing what I know I can do and it's biting me in the ass. I'm not going out and taking pictures all day every day, which is what I should be doing. I'm scared of meeting new people, because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me. I feel like such a loser. 

When it comes to school, I do what I'm told to do, and the final result is usually good. My teachers like me. But I'm not going above and beyond. I don't have a solid portfolio. I have nothing to brag about. The second I feel an ounce of accomplishment or confidence, I look to my right or to my left, and see one of my classmates who has flew past me. 

Being "good enough" isn't... well, good enough. 

I am excited for Stevin to come home. In some weird way he is a tiny little muse for me. I feel like I need a bunch of miniature cheerleaders on my shoulder, or someone to kick me in the ass every once in a while.

I graduate in less than 2 months. That is so frightening. I'm not ready. 

I can't wait for a happy post.

for once, my earphones stay put.

holy crap.

i have not taken any time to write in a while. of course, the three weeks i was OFF i did absolutely nothing mind provoking or productive. 

school started again. and i'm frightened. 

first three semesters, i had to do hard work. don't get me wrong. i was stressed the fuck out. 

but now i'm actually preparing to be a, so called, "real person". 

fuck. FUCK.

seems like i really, finally have no friends left anymore. har-de-har-har. i was waiting for this moment. hate to tell you fuckers that I TOLD YOU SO. the shit you're DIVING (not slowly crawling) into will KILL YOU. maybe you'll live to be 70, but your fun loving, adorable, charismatic personality is gone, long gone, POOF!!.  sucks for you. too OLD to play that game. 

i guess i'm being over dramatic once again. i have good friends, but they all have (good and very respectable) PRIORITIES, so i never see them. good people. i need good people around me. i wish we would all stop being so fucking stubborn and all grab each other and go to a fucking bon fire already.

I'm in washington d.c. for the 56th presidential inauguration. good riddance, george w. bush. great riddance, ignorant republicans i hate you all.

right now: i'm in a hotel room with my parents. awkwardly bored. my brother and his girl just left. bastards. i wish i had a source of entertainment. a puppy. a child. a drunk person. a really good movie. i suppose i could run about and take pictures but i don't know a thing about DC and it's far too dark. gah. another beer will do. oh no...